close encounters

I am watching too much TV. It's a phase. I reckon. I'll populate my life with more interesting stuff in the immediate future. By 'stuff' I mean people, and by 'interesting', I mean anyone that will listen . I have too many channels, so that's a good thing. I happened to stumble (choked the urge to say "surfed") across a program about near death experiences. Thankfully I've never had one of those. I've never been in an operating theatre and felt myself floating above my body and drifting towards a bright light, seeing green fields and relatives. I have however had what I call, "near sex experiences". Well I say "near" but that might be the usual self delusion when it comes to "affaires de couer". Well "de knob", but anyway.
Yeah, "Near Sex Experiences". (I am capitalising this for dramatic, and potentially Copyright effect). These are those times when you think you are well in with a member of the opposite sex and you have this sensation of leaving your body. I can see myself from outside, looking at myself standing in a bar - pestering some woman. I am shouting down at myself witticisms that will aid my flirtation. But "I" can't hear them. All that comes out is drivel. Pure drivel. I've been possessed by a dribbling fool with no discernable personality. My "soul" knows what should be said, but the physical manifestation of myself, that clumsy oaf, can't act on this advice. I have driven my actual self out of my body with alcohol. I get possessed by another spirit that acts as a contraceptive for me. Safe sex through poor character. A chastity belt of the soul. Of course as soon as the lady leaves I re-enter my body and beat myself up for blowing it. Friends and unavailable women, like their wives, are then treated to witty banter of the most knicker dropping quality. It's just not fair. I will be seeking a cure. Perhaps old Indian potions or something.